Ouch! Two Tuesdays ago, God decided to slap me upside the head - hard! - and I’m still smarting over it.

I was minding my business, sitting in my cube reading documents on the second day of the new job, fighting to stay awake while my mind was doing it’s usual over-thinking and worrying about things. Then He passed by my cube. It wasn’t one of those gentle whispers either; more like a “great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks.” Not just the hit, but His tone, too.

God: “How dare you feeble human doubt me, underestimate me, LIMIT ME?!?”

That’s all He needed to say. Those words got my attention, but He continued to lay into me:

God: “Am I not the Almighty? How can you even begin to think you know the plans I have for you? In your limited understanding, you think you know what’s best? Haven’t you tried that before? You’re so convinced that there are things beyond My power, yet have you know seen all I have done for you? Do you not understand I will continue to provide, even if you’re convinced I won’t? I won’t withhold my blessings from you just because you doubt! It’s not about you! Oh ye of little faith! You can’t fit ME in your tiny box! Wallow all you want, but you just wait and see what I can do when you’re not in the way!”

I’m wondering if I physically jerked from that impact. Seriously!

Provide He did, even as I continued to lack faith. He went beyond the limitations I had set (He only does one good thing a week for us, right?) and showed how much He really does care and wants to love and provide for His children. Too bad I’m often so caught up in my own mind and wanting control over my own life that I don’t see this. Imagine how much stress, worry, pain, torture, blah I would save myself. You’d think I’m searching for all that instead, since I just cannot give things fully over to God. The Answer, the way through all that, is right in front of me waving His arms just waiting for me to get out of my own way so I can see Him.

I’m reminded of the lyrics of the amazing song by Rich Mullins - Hold Me Jesus:

Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need

That day has stayed with me. Usually, I’m humbled for a moment and soon forget, much like when attending conferences and coming away on fire from the mountain top experience, only to lose that passion soon after.

Must have been the shattering on the rocks that did it this time.

Well, I’d like to think it stayed with me at least. Apparently I’m lying to myself. Though I’ve thought about that moment often over the past weeks, it hasn’t moved on to the action stage yet. I found myself in a situation later, doubting once again, being faithless, really not seeing how God could, or should, provide.

Didn’t I just get pounded? Haven’t I learned to have faith?

I convinced myself this situation was different, once again limiting God, but knowing that this one was beyond Him. Then God does what He does best - He shows up, yet again, and gives just a taste of how awesome and almighty He truly is and how completely unworthy, undeserving and utterly lacking in faith I really am. Humbled and awed don’t really begin to say enough at this sign of grace.

Will I doubt again? Of course. I am human…and I am me. Will I lose faith in what I’ve prayed for? Without a doubt. I lose patience easily, sometimes in a matter of seconds. Will I continue to put limits on God? Sadly, yes. He’s beyond my understanding, I can’t fathom him, so I must put boundaries around this unknown for my control.

But I will remember these lessons, and while they may not fully sink into this disbelieving heart of mine for some time (old habits die slow, painful deaths…hmm…storms clouds on the horizon again - duck and cover!), they have softened it. I have been shown real-life examples and have heard His voice more clearly than in quite some time - I can’t deny that. Especially since I’m blogging about it.